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An inspiration
A good marriage has one particular requirement; you must try, at all times, to be the best person you can be. You must be positive and optimistic, you must have goals that you work hard to achieve, you must believe in yourself and have faith in the notion that happiness in marriage is not only possible, but that it will be yours to enjoy forever.
Sure. No problem. Easy for you to say.
It's easy to have a great marriage when you're a perfect person. If all of us had grown up in the Cleaver household, we too would be pro-value and positive, striving to be the best we can be, self-confident and assured that success in life is a given. Of course you can attract a truly great spouse when you yourself are happy, successful, optimistic, level-headed, sensible and attractive - supermodels and pro-athletes, millionaires and self-help gurus, they have no trouble at all finding a mate and staying happy with them.
Most of us, though, aren't supermodels or millionaires. Many of us never got the chance to grow up happy and in love with life. Many of us are damaged in some way, products of toxic childhoods and negative environments, living with skeletons in our closets and demons from our past that challenge our optimism and our hope. Many of us had a long, hard battle to be even as happy as we are, losing faith along the way and turning to drugs or alcohol or solitude to ease our anxiety. Many of us reached adulthood by saying 'one day at a time', never daring to picture anything more long term or far off down the road than that. This is the quiet truth behind many of the silent faces you pass on the way into work, and even behind many of the cheery smiles that you think signal a contented soul.
I have heard many complaints from people about how the nature of their upbringing ruined them for life and prevented them from ever finding happiness. I know of miserable people who have let bitterness overtake them, and who provide countless reasons why they can't ever achieve anything, and why they feel justified in no longer even trying. But recently I met someone whose commitment to finding happiness is so strong that it broke through those dark clouds like a true ray of sunshine. Her name is Mona, and her story can be found at Mona's Closet, a website for anyone who has struggled with childhood trauma and who wonders if it's ever possible to get over it.
She is a truly inspirational woman, someone who has reclaimed her life and chosen to live it as happily as possible. While her site is not about marriage per se, she perfectly encapsulates the kind of spirit that makes a great marriage possible, and proves that a woman can be strong and resilient, brave and beautiful, entirely worthy of love and devotion, even in spite of a past that might have crippled the rest of us for life.
Mona is loving when she would have every excuse not to be, is happily married even though she would be easily forgiven for thinking marriage was a fool's errand. She is sexy and vivacious even though that part of her was nearly stripped away for good by the perversions of people who didn't deserve such a ray of sunshine as her in their life. She is dedicated to family even though she faces challenges with hers, and has the courage to reach out to new friends even when she feels wary of sharing her thoughts. She is dedicated to herself, constantly striving to improve herself and live up to her potential, constantly keeping a vision of her fully-realized self in full view so that she knows exactly where she's headed...even though what she experienced through most of her life would make many of us cower in the shadows and give up on ourselves forever.
She is a not a victim, she is someone who suffered terribly and yet has such inner strength, such beauty of character and such dedication to values that she spends every day 'rising above'. She has setbacks from time to time, as we all do, but the wonder of her soul is that she keeps trying, she keeps getting back up again when she gets knocked down, she keeps struggling to achieve the happiness she knows is possible.
It is no surprise to me that Mona has a loving husband who sees what an indomitable spirit she has. It's no surprise to me that their marriage is strong and steadfast, despite whatever demons haunt her from time to time, and that she regards her husband as the blessing of her life. It is no surprise to me that she manages to cut through the haze of nonsense that can surround us all so easily and see things in their proper perspective; no matter what life brings her from now on, her marriage is the joy of her life. She never forgets to count her blessings, and is one of the most fiercely proud and devoted wives I know.
If you don't think you have the fortitude to sustain a good marriage or the strength of character to make a good husband or wife because of your own personal demons or your own troubled past, take a lesson from Mona. Read her words and capture her spirit - she is an inspiration to us all.
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