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Respecting marriage and divorce
It happens quite often. An unmarried couple arrive at a party and are greeted warmly by friends and family. Conversation develops, and inevitably, some punch-drunk or otherwise goofy acquaintance will seize on a lull in the conversation, look over the couple with a mischievous gleam in his eye, and then ask, loudly, "So...when are you two gettin' married?"
Usually people within earshot will respond with an embarrassed laugh but rapt attention, looking to the uncomfortable couple for an answer. One of the couple will swallow the rest of their drink while the other will make offhand noises that resemble speech but form no distinguishable words. The friend will press them further, saying something like "Come on, what are you waiting for? Don't let this one get away." or some such folksy thing. Relief often comes only with the arrival of a new guest or the spilling of the punch bowl or some other calamity that diverts attention from the uncomfortable young couple. They often sneak away from their inquisitor only to find themselves in the clutches of another, some nosy aunt or neighbour who looks the woman up and down and says "So when is he going to make an honest woman out of you?" This goes on all night, until the couple offers some feeble answer like "well, we're thinking about it" or "we haven't set a date yet" or "you'll be the first to know." which temporarily satisfies the curious until the next party or get-together comes around.
The people who pester the couple like this probably think they're just being cute, trying to encourage the happy event they've been waiting for all this time. Teasing is a well-established and well-practiced "social skill" that some acquaintances believe constitutes fun; anyone who is offended by such teasing or who thinks the subject matter inappropriate for public ridicule is labeled a stick in the mud, or hypersensitive, or too serious to know how to have a good time. No one seems to question this evaluation, and so many of us just accept these uncomfortable intrusions and try to get through it the best we can. The truth, however, is that the subject of marriage, and therefore the subject of how deeply or profoundly in love two people are, is never something worth ridiculing.
When any of us encounters a couple in a public or social situation, we see only the barest tip of what their relationship is all about. Which is as it should be. Romantic relationships are private and personal, despite what wedding-happy relatives like to think. In each relationship is a wealth of information we are not privy to and should never be privy to; no one knows, for example, whether the gentleman in the couple was planning to surprise his lady with a romantic proposal after the party, and that the proposal is now effectively spoiled by having put the idea of marriage - and questions about why it hasn't happened yet - into her mind. Or perhaps the couple has had long, drawn out, emotionally exhausting arguments about getting married revolving around one partner's desire for it and the other's hesitation - asking these people about marriage will undoubtedly cause discomfort and maybe even lead to another argument when they get home. Maybe there are divorces or other issues to be dealt with, maybe the couple have not quite reached that stage in their relationship where they are comfortable discussing the possibility of marriage with just each other let alone a roomful of people. Everyone remembers those first tentative steps towards commitment, those uncertain weeks or months when neither one is sure if they should pledge their heart first or wait until the other decides to speak. It can be a thrilling but stressful time; having your neighbour or your brother-in-law interfere in that and force the matter out into the light of day can be unsettling to say the least.
Another variation on this theme is the ubiquitous "When are you going to have children?" question that family members usually plague married couples with beginning six months or so after the wedding. Again, no one knows whether the couple has been trying to get pregnant but can't, or whether the wife has suffered many miscarriages she never told anyone about, or whether tests have proven one or both of them infertile. No one knows whether the couple disagrees about whether to have a family or not, whether they would desperately like a family but can't afford one, or whether they simply don't want a family and hate the presumption that they should want one. This is another extremely emotional and private issue, that pestering questions about which can only exacerbate.
It is never appropriate to question an unmarried couple about when they are going to get married, why they haven't gotten married yet, if they'll want to have children, etc, unless you are close enough to them to know that the subject is welcome. Some people genuinely enjoy kibitzing about marriage and kids, and for them, joking about it only adds to the fun - my father-in-law would be tickled pink to know if my husband and I were about to make him a grandfather again and he regularly asks if we're going to do so, but he is just so delighted by his family that when he raises the issue it's clear he values us and can't wait for another little soul to love. Some families are so close that a bit of humour about these things is a delightful way of showing affection.
Often, though, the subject is raised by people who are not close to the couple, who barely know them, in fact, and who make it clear that their questions and jokes are intended to embarrass rather than show affection. Marriage is a private, personal decision and it is disrespectful to barge into that area uninvited. As friends or family members we must respect that. Couples will tell you their thoughts or plans for marriage - or children - quite readily if they are comfortable doing so, but if a couple never discusses it, or appears visibly uncomfortable when the subject is raised, there's a pretty good chance that they won't appreciate being pestered about it by nosy friends and family.
But even if our dinner parties develop an air of sophistication about this subject and unmarried couples are never again questioned about their future, there lurks among friends and acquaintances an equally disrespectful and baffling practice regarding marriage.
It goes something like this: A newly married couple stop at their favourite restaurant on the way to a friend's party. They have a lovely, intimate dinner and then arrive at the party feeling contented and very much in love. As the host greets them, the wife mentions that they have just had the most wonderful dinner at such-and-such a restaurant, after which the host nods, turns to the husband and says "such-and-such - wasn't that where you proposed to your ex-wife?"
The new wife chokes down the sip of wine she'd been savouring, smiles weakly while the conversation continues, and realizes that what she thought was their romantic restaurant is not really theirs at all, but holds memories from a past love that she doesn't want to be a part of. Her husband may try to reassure her, or he may dismiss it as meaningless; the wife may brush it off as unimportant or it may bother her for the entire evening and beyond. Whatever the case, the end result is that none of it would have come out were it not for the cavalier attitude of the party host, who felt no qualms at all about divulging that kind of information.
Divorce is a common, and completely necessary, occurrence in our society and pretty much the only thing that guarantees us the chance to pursue true romantic happiness - this does not mean, however, that it's a painless or easily forgettable experience for anyone or that it's fair game for open discussion among acquaintances. Like bankruptcy, like a criminal conviction, like abortion, like countless other personal matters that we have manners enough not to discuss, the subject of someone's previous marriages is a delicate one and shouldn't be bandied about with the emotional equivalent of a shrug. No outsider can ever know the full details of a divorced person's feelings, or how the existence of a former spouse may affect the new one. Some people invade this territory innocently, with absolutely no intention of causing harm, and are baffled to learn later that their comments caused offense or hurt feelings - but this is the essence of my argument on this position; if you don't know whether something you say may be inappropriate, consider your comments before making them in case you aren't aware of all the facts. I'm not suggesting we approach each other as though surrounded by eggshells all the time, but when it comes to private emotional matters, discretion is, as they say, the better part of valour.
There is never any call for bringing up memories or anecdotes about a person's ex in front of them or their new spouse, unless you know with absolute certainty that the subject is acceptable to all. Some people have wonderfully amicable relationships with their exes, or their spouse's exes, and socialize with them and their new mates frequently; for these people, ex-spouses are kind of like friends-in-law, one-time members of their spouse's family that are as accepted as any other relative. For other people, however, the subject of an ex-husband or ex-wife is extremely upsetting or difficult to discuss, by virtue of the fact that being divorced means that at some point a loving marriage went very badly wrong. It can also be a very potent reminder to the new spouse that they're not the first person to whom their spouse vowed lifetime love, and for some people, this constitutes a threat to their primacy.
Primacy is an extremely important factor in the success of a relationship, and it's the only thing that allows people to divorce and remarry. For any remarriage to work, the memory of previous ones must be exorcised as much as possible, or as much as necessary to preserve the feeling of primacy between the new partners. This concept is practically unheard of in our society, with everyone leaping from short-term to short-term monogamous relationship and primacy the casualty of each one.
How can anyone expect to feel that special connection, that unique bond of marriage, that sense that they are spiritually linked in a profound way to only one other person on earth when they are constantly reminded that their spouse went through all that "specialness" with someone else? We're all in such a rush to be friends with our ex, to maintain a good relationship with them, to "forgive and forget" and to stay connected with them that we don't ever consider whether doing so comes at the high cost of alienating our new spouse. Surely it is more important to foster good feelings in your new spouse than in your former one - but in our Oprah-centric world of "forgiveness" and universal love, we make almost no distinction between the feelings we have for the old and the new, it becomes merely a matter of degree. We're all encouraged to be modern and sexually sophisticated, to accept without comment the previous lives and loves of the person we're closest to, to accept the almost Marxist philosophy that we are all each other's lovers and that privacy - private ownership of our lover, if you will - is bourgeois and pathetically old fashioned. Anyone who expresses a desire to be primary, to be private, to actually replace an old love instead of just following it is labeled jealous or controlling or insecure.
Again, some couples are completely comfortable being merely the next in a long line of lovers, but for those that aren't comfortable with it, outsiders must show them respect and let them deal with the issue privately, between themselves. It is not for anyone else, no matter how innocent or harmless they think their questions to be, to intrude.
We don't know much about the private lives and emotions of unmarried people but we know even less about those of remarried people - we owe both of them simple respect, and the mannerly politeness to avoid issues which we know could be sore spots or areas where emotions run high. It isn't that hard to do; just remember what intensely private and personal issues marriage and divorce can be, summon from your memory the most painful, and most joyous moments you can remember from past loves, and ask yourself whether you'd like either of these moments broadcast, questioned, or ridiculed, and how you'd react if they were. If you know your comments and concerns are welcome, then express them however you choose; if you don't know for certain that they are, then tread lightly, if at all.
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