Should Minors Marry?
Greeting card manufacturers think it's cute to dress kids up as brides and grooms. Even some adults get carried away with cute and decide to get married in Disneyland, reducing a very adult ceremony to a childish romp with cartoon character witnesses. So if we think it's adorable to infuse weddings with childish things, why don't we let children marry for real?
Oh, they're too young, people say, remembering only then that marriage is sexual in nature and not appropriate for children. I agree that children should not be allowed to marry- nor should they be sold into arranged marriages by their parents. But what about people who are only "children" in a legal sense? Why can't minors - those people, say, between the ages of 13 and 17 - be given the legal right to marry if they choose?
In most jurisdictions, sixteen-year-olds can legally marry if they have both parents' permission. In some places the age limit is lower. But nowhere is full, legal marriage possible for those under the age of majority without the written consent of at least one parent or guardian. The thinking, it seems, is that a seventeen-year-old is too young to decide her romantic future, but an eighteen year old isn't.
We now live in a society that condones teen pregnancies, builds day care centers into high schools, and, unless pressed to follow statute law, simply shakes its collective head at co-habitation among teenagers, yet recoils in disgust at the suggestion that these teens be allowed to marry. It seems that a teenager can take on any number of adult burdens in our world, but is not allowed one of the most fulfilling adult pleasures.
I think it's because society has become so jaded by marriage that it's the last thing we want our children to go through. We want to "protect" our young from the dangers of matrimony. If our teenage daughters become pregnant, we would rather see them go through the pregnancy and birth alone, raise the child as a single parent, and let our grandchild grow up without a father than see her married. It isn't single parenthood or the trauma of a pregnancy or the prospect of giving up education and goals in life that we find too hard to bear - it's marriage we have to shield them from. We don't bother raising them with values that would prevent them from getting pregnant at that age, we simply bar them from the one thing that might make having a baby at that age at least bearable.
I have heard countless stories about young pregnant girls forced into marriage by their outraged parents. I am not suggesting for a moment that any person, adult or not, be forced into marriage for any reason, and certainly not because of a pregnancy. My point is that, for some young couples, marriage might be a wonderful option for them. I would like to see that choice available to them. It would establish that if our society is going to condone all forms of adult behavior in the young, it will also sanctify adult marriage in those who choose to engage in that kind of behavior.
Perhaps it is time that we stopped coddling young people altogether. Perhaps keeping them in high school until they're twenty is a bad idea. Perhaps a fifteen year old, while likely lacking in maturity, is intellectually ready to make his or her way in the world, and to find love.
And at that age, we were all capable of falling in love. "Puppy Love", the term most people use to dismiss the first tentative steps we take towards adult romance, is probably the most intense and exciting experience of our lives. We love so purely at that age. We choose our hero or heroine and adore them, breathlessly, enraptured if we so much as catch a glimpse of them in the hallway at school. The simplest things, the smallest gestures, take on monumental importance to us. That first smile, the first dance in the school gym...to this day when I think of Jamie M. I blush a little. When I was in grade six, he was the twelve-year-old boy around whose world I orbited, who defended me against a schoolyard bully, who told me I had beautiful hands when he held them, who moved away and took with him my heart.
Young lovers see each other with such optimism, with an unabashed adoration of values. They want the best, and worship it when they find it. With each successive heart break, with each passing year of wisdom, we all become slightly more jaded, slightly more reserved when it comes to giving over our whole heart with abandon. In maturity we may find true, lasting love based on values, character, real admiration and respect, but never again will we experience the thrill of that first big crush. There is charm and purity, romance and wonder in that first, fledgling love; there is a belief that the world is wonderful place and that life is rich with promise and every good thing. All of these qualities are ideal for marriage.
So...what would I say if my fifteen-year-old daughter came to me and said "I've met a wonderful boy. I'm in love with him, we'd like to get married."
First and foremost, the answer lies mostly in me, not her. Have I done a proper job raising this child? Have I raised her with values, with the desire and ability to think, or have I abandoned her to a public school system that encourages her not to think, that getting along is more important that using your mind? Have I let her fill her mind with drivel like Twilight, so that at fifteen she believes that sex and romance are the only things worth having in life? Have I taught her that marriage is the highest romantic achievement possible in life, have I taught her that she should only marry someone whose character and values equal her own, that she should never embark on any relationship based on sex or beauty? Have I shown her, through the example of my own marriage, that a self-respecting woman holds out for a truly exceptional man and doesn't collect lovers like some people collect figurines?
Perhaps she isn't ready for marriage at fifteen some people aren't ready for it at fifty. But I don't think she should be categorically refused on the basis of her age. Maturity, the ability to think, the understanding of what romance, marriage and sex are really about, the knowledge that marriage should be a lifetime commitment and that divorce, while the saving grace of our romantic happiness, is not an easy way out or something that should be taken lightly if she understands these things at fifteen, then I would seriously consider letting her get married.
My husband wants to meet this boy first, of course. That goes without saying.
In all seriousness, I would much rather see my daughter attempt the value of marriage than grow up unimpressed by it. I would rather she didn't think herself too fashionable to bother with something Madonna has described as "silly and outdated", and I would much rather see her married at fifteen than a single mother at fifteen.
I would rather she marry someone she believes wholeheartedly in, and be wrong, than marry because she thinks she can't do any better, when she's older, and be right.
Oh, they're too young, people say, remembering only then that marriage is sexual in nature and not appropriate for children. I agree that children should not be allowed to marry- nor should they be sold into arranged marriages by their parents. But what about people who are only "children" in a legal sense? Why can't minors - those people, say, between the ages of 13 and 17 - be given the legal right to marry if they choose?
In most jurisdictions, sixteen-year-olds can legally marry if they have both parents' permission. In some places the age limit is lower. But nowhere is full, legal marriage possible for those under the age of majority without the written consent of at least one parent or guardian. The thinking, it seems, is that a seventeen-year-old is too young to decide her romantic future, but an eighteen year old isn't.
We now live in a society that condones teen pregnancies, builds day care centers into high schools, and, unless pressed to follow statute law, simply shakes its collective head at co-habitation among teenagers, yet recoils in disgust at the suggestion that these teens be allowed to marry. It seems that a teenager can take on any number of adult burdens in our world, but is not allowed one of the most fulfilling adult pleasures.
I think it's because society has become so jaded by marriage that it's the last thing we want our children to go through. We want to "protect" our young from the dangers of matrimony. If our teenage daughters become pregnant, we would rather see them go through the pregnancy and birth alone, raise the child as a single parent, and let our grandchild grow up without a father than see her married. It isn't single parenthood or the trauma of a pregnancy or the prospect of giving up education and goals in life that we find too hard to bear - it's marriage we have to shield them from. We don't bother raising them with values that would prevent them from getting pregnant at that age, we simply bar them from the one thing that might make having a baby at that age at least bearable.
I have heard countless stories about young pregnant girls forced into marriage by their outraged parents. I am not suggesting for a moment that any person, adult or not, be forced into marriage for any reason, and certainly not because of a pregnancy. My point is that, for some young couples, marriage might be a wonderful option for them. I would like to see that choice available to them. It would establish that if our society is going to condone all forms of adult behavior in the young, it will also sanctify adult marriage in those who choose to engage in that kind of behavior.
Perhaps it is time that we stopped coddling young people altogether. Perhaps keeping them in high school until they're twenty is a bad idea. Perhaps a fifteen year old, while likely lacking in maturity, is intellectually ready to make his or her way in the world, and to find love.
And at that age, we were all capable of falling in love. "Puppy Love", the term most people use to dismiss the first tentative steps we take towards adult romance, is probably the most intense and exciting experience of our lives. We love so purely at that age. We choose our hero or heroine and adore them, breathlessly, enraptured if we so much as catch a glimpse of them in the hallway at school. The simplest things, the smallest gestures, take on monumental importance to us. That first smile, the first dance in the school gym...to this day when I think of Jamie M. I blush a little. When I was in grade six, he was the twelve-year-old boy around whose world I orbited, who defended me against a schoolyard bully, who told me I had beautiful hands when he held them, who moved away and took with him my heart.
Young lovers see each other with such optimism, with an unabashed adoration of values. They want the best, and worship it when they find it. With each successive heart break, with each passing year of wisdom, we all become slightly more jaded, slightly more reserved when it comes to giving over our whole heart with abandon. In maturity we may find true, lasting love based on values, character, real admiration and respect, but never again will we experience the thrill of that first big crush. There is charm and purity, romance and wonder in that first, fledgling love; there is a belief that the world is wonderful place and that life is rich with promise and every good thing. All of these qualities are ideal for marriage.
So...what would I say if my fifteen-year-old daughter came to me and said "I've met a wonderful boy. I'm in love with him, we'd like to get married."
First and foremost, the answer lies mostly in me, not her. Have I done a proper job raising this child? Have I raised her with values, with the desire and ability to think, or have I abandoned her to a public school system that encourages her not to think, that getting along is more important that using your mind? Have I let her fill her mind with drivel like Twilight, so that at fifteen she believes that sex and romance are the only things worth having in life? Have I taught her that marriage is the highest romantic achievement possible in life, have I taught her that she should only marry someone whose character and values equal her own, that she should never embark on any relationship based on sex or beauty? Have I shown her, through the example of my own marriage, that a self-respecting woman holds out for a truly exceptional man and doesn't collect lovers like some people collect figurines?
Perhaps she isn't ready for marriage at fifteen some people aren't ready for it at fifty. But I don't think she should be categorically refused on the basis of her age. Maturity, the ability to think, the understanding of what romance, marriage and sex are really about, the knowledge that marriage should be a lifetime commitment and that divorce, while the saving grace of our romantic happiness, is not an easy way out or something that should be taken lightly if she understands these things at fifteen, then I would seriously consider letting her get married.
My husband wants to meet this boy first, of course. That goes without saying.
In all seriousness, I would much rather see my daughter attempt the value of marriage than grow up unimpressed by it. I would rather she didn't think herself too fashionable to bother with something Madonna has described as "silly and outdated", and I would much rather see her married at fifteen than a single mother at fifteen.
I would rather she marry someone she believes wholeheartedly in, and be wrong, than marry because she thinks she can't do any better, when she's older, and be right.
  Teen Love On Relationships: A Book for Teenagers |
  My Teen Has Had Sex, Now What Do I Do?: How to Help Teens Make Safe, Sensible, Self-Reliant Choices When They've Already Said "Yes" |