The Secret to Great Sex
The secret to great sex can be summed up neatly in two sentences.
Sex is good. Enjoy it.
If you really think about the meaning of these two sentences, if you seriously consider the meaning of each word within them, your sex life will drastically improve. It honestly isn't more complicated than that.
Sex is good.
Sex is good. It's uplifting, fun, compelling, feels fantastic physically, and brings you closer to your husband or wife. It's one of the best ways there is to express romantic love and one of the few ways that adults play. It helps to balance hormone levels in the body, eases menstrual cramps, burns calories and releases feel-good endorphins into the body which clear out depression and give you a temporary euphoric peace. Emotionally, it boosts self esteem and flatters the ego, and serves as a kind of reward for having developed the kind of character necessary to attract the person you're making love to. It also makes children possible, and, of course, forms the basis for lifelong marriage. In every possible way, sex is a blessing in our lives, one of the most joyous experiences available to us, something that makes us feel truly alive and truly aware of the marvelous machine that is our body.
Thanks to religion over the years, however, the life-giving, soul-inspiring nature of sex has been polluted in the minds of many people. Sex is a sin, many believe, a mortal affront to a creator that saw fit to put these desires in us and then punish us for having them, it seems. Sex is considered a horrendous evil, something for which many, many people have been killed over the years, and indeed are still being killed for today. In many middle eastern countries, it is not only forgivable to kill a female family member for having had pre-marital sex, it is actively encouraged. Recently in Africa, a young girl was publicly whipped for having given birth to the child of her rapist, a whipping that could have easily taken her life. It didn't matter that she didn't consent to the sex, she was whipped anyway. The hatred of sex - and of the women who inspire sexual desire in men who hate them for it - is so widespread and so accepted that it's a true miracle the human race has managed to procreate itself thus far.
Here in North America we don't hate sex quite that much - not quite. But for years, women who found themselves unmarried and pregnant were scorned and shunned, forced into abortions or out of town adoptions to cover up their disgrace. Women who had sex before marriage found their "reputations" ruined, and even today, in the liberal twenty-first century, there are about ten times as many derogatory words for a sexual woman than there are for a sexual man. A woman who admits to liking sex is either a Madonna or a Mae West - either denounced as a slut or laughed at as a caricature - and are therefore understandably rare. Neither gender is truly free to enjoy the pleasures of sex, however, since men who like it are universally denounced as perverts or suspected of objectifying women, and are linked with pedophiles and rapists in the eyes of many suspicious women.
The real challenge today is to develop a benevolent attitude toward sex, to weed through the truly tasteless or offensive pornography out there, to understand that pedophiles and rapists are what we should vilify, not sex itself. We should understand that we tend to shield our children from sexual imagery not because sexual imagery is bad but because, like many, many other things in life, our children are simply too young to understand the subtleties and nuances of what they're seeing and we don't want to expose them to it until they're old enough to understand. We should teach our teenagers that sex itself isn't a bad thing, but that if they wait until they're mature enough to enjoy it with someone they genuinely love it will be exponentially better than the awkward fumbling and groping they might be experiencing now.
Whatever personal philosophy we develop about sex, whether we believe it's a good thing but only in marriage, or that it's a good thing but no one under eighteen should be sexually active, or that's it's a good thing but we don't think pornography is moral - the fact that it's a good thing must be central to our belief. This is the foundation for enjoying sex in our own lives, the crucial ingredient that must be there if we ever hope to relax and have fun with our partners.
Which leads naturally to the second sentence.
This sounds too simple and obvious to even bother stating, but it needs to be said. Of course people enjoy sex, you're thinking, why else would they do it? I maintain that people are far too bothered by hangups and guilt, feelings of insecurity and uncertainty to ever truly enjoy the sexual desires that surface in them. The key to great sex is in learning how to enjoy it.
It's crucial that you let go of these guilty feelings about sex and start enjoying yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy the sensations. Physical contact with someone you love is one of the most wonderful human experiences, so allow yourself to experiment and enjoy what you find. People who have always shied away from oral sex, for example, thinking that it's "wrong" or "gross" or something their sainted mother in heaven would curse them for, ought to let go of these feelings and least try it once, just to see if the physical and emotional pleasure they give or receive intensifies their experience of sex. You don't have to like everything, you don't have to become an athlete in the Olympics of sex, you merely have to allow yourself to delight in what delights you, and not feel guilty or bad about it in any way.
If you have difficulty abandoning yourself to true sexuality, sensuality is a good place to start. Get in tune with the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of. Take a long, sumptuous bubble bath with your partner, or treat yourself to a full body massage - let your partner run a feather all over your body while you lie back with your eyes closed, and just feel the sensations. There are countless ways to allow yourself to give and receive sensual pleasure and heighten your awareness of what "good" can really feel like, all of which also have the added benefit of bringing you emotionally closer to your mate.
To truly enjoy sex you also have to overcome one of the largest barriers to enjoying it - body consciousness. Forget about shortcomings. So what if you have big thighs or thinning hair, so what if Revlon isn't banging down your door asking you to be their next cover girl? The reality is there are few truly beautiful people out there, and they generally find work as models because of it. The rest of the world still manages to fall in love and have great sex and enjoy life without being a supermodel.
This is the attitude you must develop if you ever want to really let go and enjoy sex. Marriage and sex are not about beauty. While many people find their partners very attractive, and while many people do try to look the best they are capable of, these are only fringe benefits, like the icing on the proverbial cake. Focus on the fact that it's the person you love most in the world in bed with you, not just a firm ass or a big penis. You will enjoy sex a lot more if you don't become preoccupied with your looks or your partner's.
Sex has to be mutually satisfying, pleasurable experience that permeates your whole marriage, not just Wednesdays and Saturdays between ten and eleven. Your whole relationship can be tinged with the excitement of sex if you allow yourselves to express your sexuality in small, discreet ways throughout the rest of your lives. A provocative pinch on the bum while he's making dinner, an impromptu caress of her breasts while you're watching tv, spontaneous fellatio just before the alarm goes off so that he wakes up to a pleasant sensation...walking hand in hand, a sweet kiss at the doorway when you part in the morning, a foot rub when you come home sore at the end of the day...none of these things ever have to develop into full blown intercourse, they can exist simply for what they are: little reminders of the loving, sexual relationship you have with each other, and what a special, exclusive relationship it is.
Like everything else in marriage, respect in sex is key. You and your partner must respect each other completely, which means that you do nothing to harm or offend or upset each other. Respect each other's boundaries, respect each other's problems or issues with sex, and give each other time to develop your own sexual awareness on your own terms. Don't challenge the privacy and primacy of your most sacred relationship by bringing another person into it, and don't turn sex into some dark and disturbing voyage of power and control. Sex should be a wonderful, happy experience that reaffirms your love for each other and your pleasure at being alive - you will never be fulfilled in sex if you do anything to change this.
Marriage is the ultimate sexual relationship, the only time in your life when you will feel truly free, truly loved and accepted, truly comfortable and truly welcome to explore your sexual desires in a safe and loving environment. Don't live your married life in fear of outdated morality and faulty premises - celebrate the fact that you have become the kind of person who deserves lifelong love and great sex, and that you have found the only person with whom you want to share them.
Sex is good. Enjoy it.